By Marlene Eisner

Montreal mom Judy R. wasn’t worried about her kids, ages 13 and 15, using the family’s computer. The machine was located in a public area of the house and there were clear rules about its use.

Then one day, while tidying up some computer files, Judy found an alarming document. It was a letter, filled with profanity and threats of violence. Concerned that the letter had been sent to Allison, her daughter, Judy confronted her teenager. 

“At first she was defensive, accusing me of looking through her things,” Judy said. But eventually her daughter told her the real story. 

After a dispute over a boy, the letter had been sent to one of Allison’s friends. The girl, worried about what to do, had forwarded the letter to some other friends, including Allison. 
Judy now found herself caught in a difficult situation. Allison insisted that the letter was no big deal and that the girls had worked out the problem themselves. She specifically asked her mother not to contact any of the other parents.

Judy finally agreed to keep quiet but she still questions her decision. “I don’t feel right about it,” she says, especially as she knows who wrote the letter. 

Judy’s predicament underscores a new problem faced by parents and children. It’s called cyberbullying and it is increasingly recognized as a threat to children’s emotional and physical health. 

According to Bill Belsey, president of an anti-bullying organization called Bullying.org Canada, cyberbullies use technologies such as email, text messages and websites in ways that hurt or harass others. An example of such bullying is someone setting up a website that makes fun of a particular student or asks visitors to vote on how ugly a person at school might be. 

In a recent study conducted by Kids Help Phone, a national toll-free, 24-hour anonymous phone and web counselling and referral service for children, more than 70 per cent of respondents said they had been bullied online. As well, 44 per cent reported that they had bullied someone else online at least once. 

Parents, who are probably familiar with more traditional forms of bullying such as schoolyard taunts, may not know what to do if their child is either a victim or a perpetrator of cyberbullying, says Bernard Desrochers, Director of Clinical Services for Kids Help Phone in Montreal.

“Part of the problem is the generation gap,” he says. “It’s the first time in history that adults are losing track with what’s going on with their kids. For example, if my kids are playing on the street, I know what the street looks like, I know the dangers and I can give them advice. But on the Internet, many parents don’t have a clue what’s going on.”

Easy to be anonymous
It’s also difficult to combat cyberbullying because technology makes it easy for someone to assume a fake identify or post information anonymously. So kids who would otherwise not engage in bullying behaviour feel empowered online because they think they won’t get caught.
The Kids Help Phone survey found that young people have developed several strategies for dealing with cyberbullying. Some respondents said they just ignored or blocked messages from a bully. If they knew the identify of the person, some young people chose to confront the bully. Others confided in a trusted friend or an adult. 

Parents can reduce the probability of their child being a cyberbully, or being a victim of one, by limiting the amount of time their child spends on the computer and putting the computer in a common area. They should also teach kids never to give out personal information or to share passwords (this can allow a bully to impersonate them or to gain access to their private accounts). 

Cell phones, now so common among teens and pre-teens, also can be used as a bullying tool. Annoying, repeated phone calls and threatening text messages are two examples. Unfortunately, cell phone bullying can be more difficult to detect as it is harder for parents to supervise phone use. 

Nonetheless, Desrochers says one way for parents to find out what’s going on is to keep track of the cell phone bills. If a child is receiving a huge number of text messages, for example, the parent will see that on the bill (unless your child has a plan that includes unlimited text messaging). 

Desrochers notes that a child who is being bullied like this may try to hide the phone bill because of feelings of embarrassment or shame. Parents should make sure to keep the lines of communication open and to be supportive. He also recommends that parents consult the website www.cybertip.ca, which includes a number of resources for parents. 

And if your child is a victim of cyberbullying, let him or her vent. Just knowing a parent is willing to listen can help a lot. 

Desrochers also suggests that if your child receives a threatening email, you should save it. Then, contact your local police department because the officers have the capability and resources to trace the email. 

Preventing cyberbullying also requires that parents show respect for others in their everyday lives, says Andrew Churchill, a graduate student who is working with Dr. Shaheen Shariff of McGill University’s Department of Integrated Studies in Education on the legal issues around cyberbullying at school.

Shariff and Churchill recently presented the results of a study they conducted at six Montreal schools looking at negative online behaviours such as receiving angry, rude or vulgar text messages on a cell phone. They found that 70 percent of respondents had experienced these negative behaviours occasionally or often. 

Shariff says that as in all areas of bullying, prevention starts with parenting.

“It’s just about good parenting and giving your children a foundation of having respect for others, of being kind to others, no matter what the differences,” she says. 

So stay aware and be involved. Watch for bullying and don’t be afraid to discuss it.