By Alissa Sklar

Fifteen years ago, psychologist Wendy Mogel found herself feeling increasingly drained. She was constantly trying to make everything just right for her two young daughters, tearing ragged pieces of lettuce off their sandwiches and waking up in the middle of the night worrying about their school art projects. Did the note from the teacher asking for a cardboard paper towel tube expect her to unroll all the paper towels to get at the tube? If she didn’t, would her daughter be the only one in her class unable to complete the assignment? Mogel felt constantly unhappy and stressed over details.

Then, on a whim, she accepted a friend’s invitation to join her for a Rosh Hashanah service at a nearby synagogue, to celebrate the Jewish New Year. Mogel listened to the prayers and found herself crying; it was a life-changing experience.

Over the next few years, she slowly steered her family toward a lifestyle that followed the tenets and beliefs of Reform Judaism, celebrating Friday night dinners together and reading about the Bible and the Talmud, the huge collection of teachings on Jewish law and the Torah. She took a break from her practice to read up on Judaism, and eventually found the things that had eluded her as both a parent and child psychologist. The book that resulted from Mogel’s gradual epiphany is called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children.

Mogel’s central message, that children oftentimes are not taught to take care of themselves, has since struck a chord in North American families. The anxiety that permeates many families comes from the overzealous ambitions parents have for their children coupled with their desire to protect their precious offspring from adversity and failure. Expensive tutors and coaches are hired to protect kids in an increasingly competitive world, and the phrase “I have a test” automatically gets kids off the hook from any other obligations. These kids grow up to be fragile and burned-out young adults, who crumble as soon as they are away from home, never having learned to face adversity on their own, or gain the strength that comes from self-reliance. Furthermore, the resulting stress of raising kids in this way has a seriously detrimental effect on the whole family.

The meaning of the title is that kids need to learn the real consequences — both good and bad — of taking risks. Learning to fend for yourself can sometimes be a messy or painful business, but it is critical. Learning to swim means swallowing some water; learning to ride a bicycle can result in a skinned knee. Kids can’t — and shouldn’t — be sheltered from these manageable levels of pain. Similarly, psychologists refer to a concept known as “necessary social pain,” which means that everyone needs to know what it is like to be left out by friends, or pushed in the schoolyard. They need to know how to deal with adversity and to develop the confidence to handle it when it comes their way. It also tends to make them more empathetic human beings. 

Some of the rules Mogel pulls from Jewish teachings include the edict for kids to respect their mother and father, which includes addressing and greeting parents when kids blow in the door after school before heading off to play Nintendo or get on the computer. Mogel asks parents to teach their children gratitude by not yielding to their every desire. It’s healthy for kids to want things they aren’t going to get. Children should be taught the blessing of work, which can be as simple as contributing to the family through chores, which teach children they are not just loved, but also needed. 

What is particularly interesting is the way Mogel’s book has taken hold outside of the Jewish community. Originally published in 2001 with little publicity, the book took several years to garner interest with a broader audience. Five years later, more than 120,000 copies have been sold at a pace of more than 20,000 a year, according to the New York Times. The book is now used as a text in classes and discussion groups in churches and secular schools. Mogel, who is now in demand as a keynote speaker, says that the focus of the book is about raising children to be good people, regardless of the parents’ belief in any one God.
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee is the kind of book that school principals press into the hands of worried parents, regardless of religious belief. Experienced moms of all backgrounds give this book as a baby shower gift and it’s been making the rounds at mom and tot groups for some time. It seems that parents everywhere appreciate any new thoughts on raising their children to be responsible and capable adults.